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Using the vivid, poignant and personal stories of the members of a website support group she founded (www.depressionfallout.com), Anne Sheffield, the author of two highly acclaimed books on depression, provides an honest record of what happens to a love relationship once depression enters the picture, and offers solid advice on what the non–depressed partner can do to improve his or her own life and the relationship.
Of the millions of people who suffer from a depressive illness, few suffer in solitude. They draw the people they love – spouses, parents, children, lovers, friends – into their illness. In her first book, How You Can Survive When They're Depressed, Anne Sheffield coined the phrase 'depression fallout' to describe the emotional toll on the depressive's family and close friends who are unaware of their own stressful reactions and needs. She outlined the five stages of depression fallout (confusion, self–doubt, demoralisation, anger, and the need to escape) and explained that these reactions are a natural result of living with a depressed person.
- Sales Rank: #207185 in eBooks
- Published on: 2009-10-13
- Released on: 2009-10-13
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
“I admire and recommend this inspired guide to the hell imposed by a partner’s depression and the coping strategies offered.”
About the Author
Anne Sheffield is the author of two well received books on depression, How You Can Survive When They're Depressed (Harmony, 1998) which won a a Books for a Better Life Award as well as the 1999 Ken Award from the New York City affiliate of National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, and Sorrow's Web (Free Press, 2000) which deals with the topic of motherhood and depression. She has worked as a scientist at the Population and Development Program of the Battelle Memorial Institute and has run her own consulting firm. She lives in New York City.
Most helpful customer reviews
86 of 87 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent support for those whose partner is depressed
By Reviewer Dr. Beth
In this book, author Anne Sheffield offers excellent support to those who are involved wiht someone who is struggling with depression. The best thing about this book is the way in which it both normalizes and validates the responses of the non-depressed partner, assuring the reader that they are not going crazy and that they are not alone in their feelings of frustration and confusion. Sheffield also provides plenty of helpful information and advice, including educational information about depression, strategies for persuading your partner to seek help, ideas on how to set limits with your partner, and guidelines for deciding whether to stay or leave.
I think that most people who are living with a depressed mate will find this book to be extremely helpful, but I did have a few minor criticisms. First of all, although this book was born out of the message boards that are a part of Sheffield's Depression Fallout web site, I felt that she relied a bit too heavily on the anecdotal information posted by online users. Secondly, Sheffield also has a tendency to rely on anecdotal information from her own experiences (she grew up with a depressed mother, and she herself suffers from depression), which results in occasional overgeneralizations. For example, she emphasizes that ALL people who are depressed are angry--not necessarily the case. Similarly, she laughingly dismisses therapists who suggest to the non-depressed partner that the problem might lie in the relationship--isn't it possible for someone to be depressed AND be legitimately unhappy with their relationship at the same time? Sheffield seems to say no. Finally, her overall attitude comes across as quite pessimistic, offering only brief glimpses of hope that perhaps the relationship can be saved.
Despite these issues, I definitely feel that this book is a worthwhile read, and as a psychologist, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to any clients in this situation.
49 of 50 people found the following review helpful.
An honest book
By A Customer
It is an amazing concept, to realize there is a messageboard somewhere in cyberspace populated with people like me, not just people who love a depressed partner, but people who suffer the confusion, the hope, the anger, the torment, and the surreality of it all. Even more amazing is this book: Anne has packed a huge body of folk knowledge and professional knowledge into these pages, both from the messageboard the book was based on and from psychiatrists and the mental health community. And that's what really made this book ring true for me; in reading what other wives and husbands were going through, in their own words, I was suddenly able to believe that I was not alone. I've spent so much time telling my partner that he is not alone, that millions of people suffer from depression. It never occurred to me that I must, therefore, also not be alone; there must also be other people who are struggling to lead good lives in spite of trying to love a depressive.
Anne's book offers a lot of practical suggestions about how you can do both: be fair and loving to your partner and also genuinely enjoy your own life. She doesn't sugarcoat it, and by being honest, she shows you how there is a way through, that by using your basic sense of fair play and a respect for your own well-being, you can once again create a world that makes sense.
Without even telling my partner I've read this book, I have changed some of my interaction with him for the better, and I can see it having a positive effect not only on me, but on him. I am looking forward to future improvements, as I implement and practice more of Anne's advice.
57 of 62 people found the following review helpful.
Psychologist recommends
By Debra Moore, Ph.D., Coauthor with Temple Grandin of The Loving Push: How parents and professionals can help spectrum kids become successful adults
An important book I will be immediately recommending.
I have always included the topic of the effects of depression on relationships, marriages, and families when I give talks on depression, but you seldom find the topic addressed at length. Finally, someone has given it the attention it needs.
Author Anne Sheffield, who grew up with a depressed mother and has suffered from depression herself (and who acknowledges she has inflicted that suffering onto her relationships), knows her subject and it shows.
Her knowledge has grown via the thousands of visitors to her website message board ([...]) who write of their struggles and lessons from being the partner of someone depressed. A post on this message board prompted and grew into this book.
Depression Fallout helps you understand what depression looks and feels like from the sufferer's viewpoint as well as from their partner's (and their children's) perspective.
People who are depressed have similarities. They tend to devalue themselves and their relationships. They erode bonds by their self centered, pessimistic, and irritable tendencies. Their depression confuses them - one day they don't know what they feel, the next day they need you, and the following day they've decided they never loved you to begin with.
Depression fallout is what happens to you if you're on the receiving end of this illness. You probably move through stages of confusion, self-blame, demoralization, resentment, and a longing to be free of your partner and their depression.
If this is you, please read the book. You'll find stories to bolster your sagging self esteem and you'll learn ways to handle your communication with your partner. There's an excellent section on psychotherapy and medication (her section on meds includes some very specific and up-to-date info).
Once you've read the book, get into counseling if you're not already.
Finally, go check out the posts on her message board ([...]) for some friendly support and understanding. You'll even find a few laughs - click on the postings of jokes, there are some good ones!
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